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This is my personal space. But, I'll share it... I've been doing a lot of thinking as I drive -- that's the whole point of my travels. Recently that thinking has started to get pretty substantive. It's been focused a bit as I read Po Bronson's magnificent book What Should I do With My Life. I 'm going to start keeping a more intimate journal here. It will record questions and answers as I delve into them. It won't be a daily thing but I hope to make it frequent. It will rarely focus on what I saw or did on a given day; rather it will focus on what I felt, thought and learned. Names of others will be disguised to protect their privacy. You are welcome to read it or ignore it. I'm doing this here because it's easiest. If you find what I'm writing to be worthy of comment, please share them in an email or phone call. If it's not your cup of tea, please ignore it. 10/03/2003 Two days running I've learned of friends falling on hard times - a lost job and a failed marriage. I hope I am able to provide so useful help to each of them. I certainly feel their pain. I think can empathize with them. Not to make light or glee of their pain, but I'm finding a great deal of personal satisfaction in trying to help them. It feels good to be a friend. I feel better about myself when I'm done chatting with them. Where's the line between assisting and intruding though? Am I doing a good job of not crossing it? Bronson talks about the fact that we measure ourselves against a circle of others. If the circle is the right one and the effort is not one of needless one upping it can be ok. But all too often we perform for the appearances we present to others. Who is my circle? I'd like to think it's the family and friends that care enough to read of y travels and stay in touch. Notably this includes my nuclear family, Josh, Marty, and the Breakfast Bunch. But I think it has some toxic members too. People who I feel have treated me poorly, misguided me, or betrayed my trust. Trying to do things to "show them" isn't productive or healthy. Why do I perform for old bosses and rivals? It's getting too cold in spite of the fire. Time for bed. 10/04/2003 I like nice things but can I live without the ability to buy them on a whim? That's going to be a big question for me to resolve. If I can't be happy without some degree of modest wealth I had best start seriously considering a job. But I don't think that's the answer. I think I'll probably risk work force reentry issues to chase after a more emotionally satisfying work. My gut tells me it's time to learn to live simply. Do I have the courage to do so? I have always been one to respond to any story with one of my own. While I've usually intended this to show empathy or understanding of what I'm hearing, it has all-too-often been interpreted as one-upmanship. Today I tried to reign in that tendency. While the others talked, I merely commented now and then, rarely adding much. It felt strange. I like lessening my need to be right in the center of conversation but it still wasn't easy. Am I better off being talkative and misunderstood or just biting my tongue and feeling less involved? Does it depend on the conversation's participants? Can I just turn it on and off? I just looked at the last paragraph from 10/3. How much of what I do is "performing" for myself? Is it learning or just ego to keep trying to impress myself? I'm tired and a wee bit out of sorts (rainy day blahs?) so I'll wrap it up here. 10/05/2003 I'm tormented. A potentially very good job is brewing in the background. Is my calling sailing or a return to work? Do I have a better chance of being happy if I have a dependable income, shelter, and stability; or do I need to sail and learn to live cheaply and enjoy the spontaneity that life would generate? I don't know and don't know how to decide. I suspect poor Josh and Carol will be called upon for some help here. As will Mom and Dad. But in the end it's got to be my decision. Vacillation is my name today... I hate the fact that I can't come to grips with this decision. It bothers me that I don't even have a clue as how to evaluate the options (since this is a "happiness" decision before it's a financial one). I can't be so cavalier as to flip a coin. Matters of the heart versus matters of the head is a tricky thing (one's like Mom, one's like Dad...) AAAAAArrrrrrgggggghhhhhh. 10/10/2003 I'm frustrated with the job process mentioned above. First of all, I thought I'd have an answer by now. I was told so in fact. But I don't. So, secondly, I'm whipsawing myself over the damn thing. When it seemed like the job was going to happen I was excited about it. When it seemed like I should have heard and hadn't I thought I wasn't going to get it. Since I didn't think I'd get the job I decided I'd be better off sailing. So which is it? Do I want the job or do I want to sail? I don't know. But the longer the decision process takes the more the luster wears off. One of the things that I've begun to reflect on is the fact that I've never been truly happy working in an office. I'm one of those guys that's always looking for distractions and excuses to get away from the desk. I've walked around the floor, I've taken long lunches, I've sat and surfed, I've made calls. This is all true with respect to school as well. But the fact of the matter is I don't think I like the office environment. I also have been remarkable surprised by how much I'm enjoying the outdoors and camping. Even when the weather was cold and windy in Maine. Does this mean I should sail, be a trucker, work on a road crew, find something that keeps me outside of the bullpen-like world of the office building? Or, should I learn the discipline and focus to work in an office? Am I lazy or is it the wrong environment for me? Is it just that I've been in the wrong places -- both jobs and cities? Why is it that sitting next to a nice campfire is such as great thing. I've got the Cubs on the radio, a good fire, and a great mindset... I'm disappointed that my lawyers are dropping the ball on filing the divorce. Not just because of the logistics and legal standing. I'm beginning to consider the possibility of new relationships. Well, at least think lusty thoughts of sex. For the first time in as long as I can recall. How does this impact the job/travel decision? Will I ever post answers here, or will it be an endless series of questions? 10/18/2003 Today I finally reached a conclusion that I should not pursue any "real" jobs for a while. It's become evident that their allure is basically the money. That simply isn't fulfilling enough for me at this juncture. Perhaps it will be later. Regardless it's a load of my mind and heart to make the decision; now I just need to tell Reed and live with it. I had put my profile on Match.com a while ago as a lark. It was fun to browse and presumably to be browsed. I got a few winks and generally found it interesting but unproductive. I also started exploring eHarmony.com. It's quite a contrast: no pictures, not searching -- they do the matching, limited physical descriptions but plentiful personality profiles. For a while I just read their proposed matches. Lately I've seen some that seem interesting. So I ponied up the outrageous fee to actually use the full service. So far I'm pleased that I did. I'm enjoying their process. It involves a series of stages: closed ended questions; comparing must haves and can't stands; exchanging open ended questions. I have no idea if it will result in my actually meeting someone - I still have a bad case of wanderlust. But it feels good to connect to people and I like having to think about answering the questions posed truthfully. That pondering alone has been worth the price so far. On a related note, my lawyers' assistant swears the divorce papers have been filed. We'll see if that remains true when I talk to the lawyers themselves. 10/19/2003 I had a nice day today - going up the mast, football, a great run, a quiet evening. All in all I feel pretty good about things. 1 thing sticks in my mind. As I sat by the water and enjoyed a beer and the view there were 3 folks there. I sat and listened but never felt compelled to introduce myself or join them. Later I actually moved to another bench to be alone. Is this solitude seeking behavior excessive? It's not engendering feelings of loneliness -- I asked myself if there was someplace I rather be, or people I really wanted to be near at the moment. I could not actually think of any alternatives I would have rather been living. Undoubtedly there is some meaning to this; I just don't know what it could be. 10/20/2003 I sent an email removing myself form consideration for that job. In the long run I may wish I hadn't but as of right now it feels like what I needed to do. It's tough to give up being greedy -- going without sex has been a lot easier in fact. But I've decided it's too tough being unhappy which seems to have been a side effect of my material desires. Where this journey will take me is unknown and that scares the hell out of me. But it also part of the attraction of it. Thanks to TJK, WEL & LPK, BNW, and JAK (not me, I have a great friend with my initials, really it's not me.) for the honest, heartfelt, and helpful advice -- it made me really consider what I wanted. For that matter, thanks to the other JAK (this one is me) for making the decision and getting ready to move on. 10/21/2003 Being ill while alone isn't particularly fun. But at least it shows me I can handle what will most likely be the most common malady I face. Well, other than Malaria. (Mom, that's tropical infectious disease humor for you. And how did you of all people find this page?) Because this is still an open space I'll be a bit vague here...I'm really enjoying the fruits of eHarmony. It's nice to find that there are others out there who understand what I'm going through and are unequivocally able to endorse it as a good thing. It's kinda like phytoplankton -- the tiniest of things can feed the biggest (not to imply that I'm a blue whale or any other baleen whale...) Thanks. 11/09/2003 I guess the satisfaction I'm getting from the fruits of eHarmony has diminished my need to blather and babble here. I have spent a lot of time chatting with Janice from Lompoc over the last 3 weeks. We talk on the phone, email frequently and chat in AIM a whole lot. She has helped me smile and laugh a lot more that I was before; not that that was lacking. My trip to South Africa is set and something I need to do. Her life is busy too -- she's a marine researcher and takes frequent research trips to sea. We'll get together and meet in person soon. What happens from there is full of uncertainty. But for the time being I'm just going to focus on the fun and good times we're having now. After SA, who knows. I just hope she's having as much fun as I am. To quote the great 20th century American philosopher Doris Day: que sera, sera. 12/03/2003 Some of you will be peeking here for more details of my time with Janice. Some of you will be twisted enough to hope to find intimate details. All you'll get is this....... :) |
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